Random Update, or, a study in numbers

  1. Had a theological debate yesterday with my Super Christian friend who thinks I’m going to Hell. Not because I’m a bad person, but because I was born with sin and haven’t repented to God. My view is that, if God exists (which I cannot know, and never will, and I have decided to act on my own morals rather than the words of MAN claiming to be the word of God because even if God said something I highly doubt men would get the message and not put their own agenda into it, okay? Especially once the Bible started to get edited and stuff. Plus I believe in science, so I’m really not into the allegorical stories as historical fact, get me?), he’s got a lot of Pride and therefore has sin in his own estimation and therefore is a flawed being.

    Why else would a God REQUIRE ultimate belief and dedication to allow otherwise good people into Heaven? So people who are good good people, who are kind and strive to be helpful and moral and follow the law and all that, go to Hell, just because they didn’t say, “Dear God please forgive me for shit that I didn’t even do.”

    I respect people believing and having faith, I do, but I don’t agree and I have my reasons. A lot of those reasons are on this blog. What I was debating with my friend about is why God subjects innocents to pain, and he explained and I just…do not want to worship a God who punishes people for things they didn’t do and then continues to subject them to it even if they dedicate their entire lives. I don’t think the afterlife is guaranteed, I’m not going to pretend I believe in God just on the off chance Heaven exists. I’ll take my chances being a good person on my own moral standards, because I believe it’s making the world better, not because I believe I’ll get in trouble and get tortured forever in Hell if I don’t.

  2. I’ve been having depressive downswings in the evening after like, 5pm, I just go downhill and start getting hopeless and helpless and tired and fatigued (more than usual) and depressed and sad and I called my doctor because that shit’s got to stop, I can’t stop living life because my brain chemicals aren’t in balance when I can do something to fix it. The doc suggested I take one of my night pills (that I take at bedtime, around 9pm because I’m boring and need lots of sleep) and move it back to 5pm so that’s what I did and I’m waiting to see if I get sad as time goes on. We’ll see.
  3. I’m gonna have to write a post about my dad. I think I’m ready to talk about him, and how life was with him, and still is, and how confused I am and how I’ve basically given up trying to feel something about him and am now just happy to ignore his existence until I can’t anymore. Recently I discovered that he wasn’t showing up where he was supposed to, so I had to check on him to make sure he wasn’t dead, especially because I have been having dreams that he killed himself, like two in the past month, and that is perfectly possible so. Yeah. I know I sound like a monster now, not giving a shit about a man who could possibly kill himself aside from obligation as a daughter, but…there are reasons. I really have to just…step back and not interact with him as much as possible. I’ll write it up tonight, maybe, or another night. IDK. At some point.
  4. I picked out Edwin’s school picture outfit and he is going to be the most stylish little fucker at that preschool. He’s getting the rainbow splash background, at his own request, and I’m dressing him in a mildly off-white henley, jeans, and a BEAUTIFUL old vest, with music staffs and pianos and calligraphy music terms on a faded antique background and it’s SO CUTE I WILL DEFINITELY SHOW PICTURES OF HIM IN IT. That happens next Thursday so…eeeeee. I am so excited, I love getting him ready for picture day. I love dressing him up stylishly. Usually he wears jeans and tshirts and comfy stuff but sometimes I like to see him look like a tiny hipster because I think it’s hilarious and adorable so.
  5. I am a good cook, okay? I am. But I didn’t learn that many meals before I left my mom’s care. She didn’t really keep recipes and we didn’t have a lot of money for me to experiment and so I went out with meat-n-potatoes basics and an ability to follow recipes perfectly and a basic understanding of why certain things do certain things, aka the science of food, but I didn’t have much experience and while I very much enjoy cooking it tires me out and gets rid of my spoons faster than most things. Lots of hand movements and standing around and multitasking, so I’m like…ugh. Exhausted by it. But recently we had some extra money so I asked Mr. Riah if we could buy some nice cuts of meat instead of ground stuff like we usually do, so we got pork chops, two steaks, and a few pounds of chuck roast.

    The chops are in the freezer because I couldn’t cook them by their use-by date, so they’re chilling up there. I made the steaks last night, marinated them in balsamic vinegar and rubbed them with my own mix of herbs, and then I read up several articles on “How to cook the perfect steak” and went over advice I’ve gotten about cooking them before and I tried mixing several things and FUCK it was the tastiest, juiciest, tenderest steak I’ve ever had. Like I’m never buying a steak from a restaurant again because they all SUCK (unless it’s like, an actual NICE steakhouse where they know how to cook it, and don’t overcook it just because they’re lazy).

    And today I’m making the pot roast in my slow cooker, which I had to pull out of deep storage and clean up yesterday, but it’s in there now with some Sweet&Spicy Molasses sauce I decided to try and it smells SO FUCKING GOOD and it will be ready around 8pm. I’m about to check if it’s getting close to cooked, because it said 6-8 hours on low, and it’s almost at the 6 hour mark (I started it at noon), but this slow cooker isn’t a great one and I might have to put it on high for the last two hours to get the meat cooked all the way through.


How are you guys? How are things? What should I write about besides my dad? Are you guys curious about anything?


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