Not the video game. Me. I am the tycoon of roller coasters. Emotional ones. Mood ones.
See, I was absent because I was just…so depressed? My pain was immense, and I was feeling…well, like giving up. Permanently. I have clinical depression, so this happens sometimes, I get into those low places, but the pain was exacerbating it and I had an appointment on Tuesday and…the doctors still can’t help me, or won’t help me, technically. They COULD help me, but I’m young, so I don’t have a serious illness, obviously, even though I’m disabled, I’m too young to feel *real* pain, right? Yeah, okay. Tell me that when YOUR joints pop completely out of socket and your muscles knot and spasm around it and you have to CONTINUE TO USE THOSE JOINTS EVEN THOUGH THEY DON’T WORK…tell me, doctors, have you ever experienced that shit EVER? Maybe if they did, they’d have some fucking idea. But they don’t.
Seriously, I was in so much pain I just broke down crying in my pain management doctor’s office. And she was like…here, have a tissue, but shrug, make your next appointment, do some exercises, you’ll be okay. And I was like, I may never see you again, because I’m going to go home and do something really really stupid here.
But then Edwin came home. I almost did something, I really did. But I couldn’t bear thinking of Edwin being stuck on the bus because I never came down the stairs to get him off, and they’d call my husband and they’d come in and find me and…no. I can’t make my son see that, I can’t make my son experience growing up without his mother, like I didn’t want him anymore, like I abandoned him. No. So I lived, and I got through the downswing, which ended…approximately on Friday night.
Sometimes you just need to find one thing to live for. Who will feed your animals? Who will take care of your kids? Who will comfort your loved ones? What about that video game coming out, or that movie you’ll never get to see? Stay alive for that, just for that, one thing at a time, and you can get through. And keep finding something, anything. Even if it’s the lovely feeling when you go to sleep, or eat your favorite food, or see a sunset, or binge on Netflix, or blow some bubbles or something. ANYTHING. Any little reason to experience a feeling other than pain. Do it, whatever it is. Me? I looked at my son, and I overdosed on caffeine and alcohol in turns just to make my body feel less like a lead weight. I didn’t do any chores, I just watched a funny TV show (Brooklyn Nine Nine, always amazing for my down moods), and I drank a lot of cranberry vodkas before bed and a lot of coffee in the mornings. And I got through.
And talk it out. Going to my therapist on Thursday helped immensely, and he gave me what I needed to move on from the despair–hope. There’s this lawyer, see, in the next city over, about 20 minutes away, that SPECIALIZES in getting disability for people with chronic pain syndromes. I didn’t know about him. He only takes money if you win, and only takes a portion of your disability check each month. If I have an official disability ruling for myself? I can get access to a lot more treatments, like medical marijuana when it becomes totally legal in NYS (here’s hoping, I’ve gotten some out of state before and it’s incredible for my pain, whoosh, gone). I may have to leave my job, but…I could. I mean, I don’t want to, I like working, I like my coworkers and I like having something to do with my life and I like the spending money, but I only work a little bit anyway, you know? I could keep my job if I negotiated it right and didn’t work too many hours.
See? I have plans, now. Hope. Something to look forward to. Something to DO with myself that isn’t exacerbating the pain. Any little thing to cling to.
I’m gonna keep clinging. Til next time.