The Art of Pain, pt 2

Two days after I wrote about my chronic pain (Tuesday, so two days ago), I started getting spasms and a flare up. This happens to me sometimes. But it was severe. So severe that whenever the spasms happened, I would throw up. Just…right at work, I started, and got sent home, and then couldn’t keep anything down through this morning. I couldn’t take my muscle relaxers as I usually would to battle the spasms, because I either couldn’t keep them down, or couldn’t take enough for it to make a difference. They only work for about 1-2 hours, and I can only take them every 3-4 hours. So I’d start having spasms again in between doses and…yeah.

So I finally went to urgent care this morning. And I got seen almost right away, and it didn’t take long. The problem is, it didn’t do much. I got anti nausea meds, which definitely helped me keep down some lunch and afternoon snack so far, and I will have more from the pharmacy as of tomorrow morning, so that’s good. It’ll get me through til this stops. However, I got a muscle relaxer (sort of–Valium, actually) and Toradol, which is like the super form of aspirin–it’s used for severe pain, but it’s an NSAID, which means it’s used for inflammatory pain (which I don’t have). When the doctor administered all this and then came back 20 minutes later, she asked if I was feeling better. I said sort of, because the Valium had made me chill enough that I didn’t get another spasm in those 20 minutes, but it honestly didn’t feel like much? It didn’t like, relax me very much. Just enough. Which is fine. It worked long enough to get me home so I could take my own muscle relaxers that work better.

However, the Toradol was a big fucking bust. I was told it would start working in about an hour, and guess what? Nope. Didn’t do a thing. She said if I didn’t feel better with the Toradol to return, but I can’t? I have to watch my kid, who came home sick with a faked upset stomach? (No, really, at 4 years old he faked his first illness to get out of school, which he told me when I picked him up. He was “crying” to the nurse, but when he saw me he was magically all better and ran and hugged me and then goes, “Mommy, I don’t want to be in school.” So I asked him if his tummy really hurt, and he said no. And then when we got in the car, he seemed to think better of being honest and said, “Mommy, my tummy hurts.” In the most casual voice ever. I gave him a kid’s Pepto Bismol tablet and he’s been bouncing around and playing and completely fine.) So yeah, no time to go back to urgent care because I had him and there’s no way he can survive being stuck in a clinic with nothing to do for an hour or two while I go back. Especially because if they decided they’d ACTUALLY help me and give me something more serious for the pain, I wouldn’t be able to drive, and currently Keith is sleeping in preparation for his night-shift job. Seriously, 10:30pm-7am.

So no going back. And I can’t call my doctor or go back tomorrow, unless I go after work. I can’t miss anymore work. I already run the risk of losing my job for calling in more than once during my probation period. And I now have a doctor’s note stating I can’t work more than 30 hours a week. And I have to go to a job performance exam (or whatever it’s called?) to get a list of restrictions for what I can do at work. I don’t know if they’ll like that, they’re really good people but seriously there are tons of people applying and…yeah. I’m on probation. They can fire me for literally any reason and not get in trouble for it.

So…I have to go in tomorrow. I have to. Even though my pain is still in the extreme. And I’m obsessing over the pain. It’s so, so bad that I can’t think of anything else. Hopefully it starts lessening soon, since I have been able to rest for the most part, but…I’m scared. I’m scared it won’t go away. I’m scared how long I’ll have to live with this. It’s unbearable.

But I just have to keep pushing through.


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